Nobody told me there'd be days like these

Matthew is home and that makes me feel Tons better. But things are not 100%.

My mom and I got into a huge argument over caring for my grandmother. I told her I could not do it anymore. Maybe I am not as strong of a person as she is. Maybe I don't have the same feelings of obligation. I don't know what it is, but I can't do it.

Matthew said it is probably that I feel like I am not in control of my life anymore. Which is true. Especially with my mom not having her car. OH - I forgot to mention that last time. She got hit by a snowplow truck while we were in NYC. The car has been in the shop for a month. They give it back to her last Friday and it looks beautiful. Better than before the wreck! BUT - the transmission is still messed up!! It changes gears very hard, especially driving at slow speeds, which she does. So back in the shop it went the same day she got it out. We are hoping now it will be fixed tomorrow. What really pisses me off about that is the guys at the garage knew the transmission was messed up and gave it back to her anyway.

At work Saturday afternoon I was telling my co-worker Erica about my grandma and also about my god-mother Mary who has had Alzheimer's since 1995. Mary has been in a nursing home since then because her Alzheimer's progressed very quickly. In the middle of my story about Mary, the phone rings. It's Matthew, telling me that Mary died earlier that afternoon. She was 83.

Strange days indeed...

I was shocked and upset, but really I accepted her "death" years ago. To me, Mary died in 1995. When I went to visit her in the nursing home and she had no idea who I was, or who my mother was......that was not Mary. She had no idea who we were, but the only picture in her room was a framed picture of Matthew and I. I must admit we did not visit her often. I feel guilty about that, but she had no idea and all it did was upset us. I left each time in tears. I kept waiting for her to just snap back to reality and say my name. That never happened.

So, we are going to her mass tomorrow morning at 10:30am. At St. Agnes Church - the same church she used to take me too every Sunday when I was little. In fact, probably the last time I was in that church was with her about 25 years ago.

She was very good to me. She was like my second mother. She was a great and huge part of my childhood and much of my adult life. But yet, I have not seen or talked to her in SO long I don't quite know how to react to all of this. It is like she has already been gone for a long time. This is very difficult to express. I don't want to seem cold, like I am not upset and have not cried. But I cried years ago when she looked at me and did not know who I was. I was the closest thing to a daughter she ever had and yet she looked at me with blank eyes. She was lost to me forever then.

She was a very devout Catholic who believed in heaven and hell and everything in between. So I hope if there is such a place as heaven, that she is there and that she is happy. I hope that she has her mind and all of her memories back and maybe she will look down on me now and remember who I am as the tears begin to flow down my cheeks.