WARNING – If you are not interested in personal information or too much detail about medical procedures then don’t read any further. I am only writing this down because *I* want to remember and as only a day now has passed, my memory of events is already fuzzy. I am sharing it with the world because I wish I could have found someone’s personal story of what they went through while I was waiting out the weekend. Not knowing is a scary thing. I also don’t want you to think that my telling of events is cold and unfeeling. We have dealt with our grief and loss and are now trying to move on. Don’t think for a minute that we didn’t grieve and we didn’t feel. We most certainly did. I just chose NOT to write about that. Moving on is what’s important now. Moving on to the future and understanding and dealing with the past. What follows is just the facts.
What a week this has been. Well not even a week really. 5 days to be precise. It started Friday when we went in for our first ultrasound. We were supposed to have our first ultrasound the week before, but their machine was broken. Looking back, that was probably a good thing.
During the ultrasound on Friday, they could not find a heartbeat. Also, the measurement was about a week behind where it should have been. So the baby died sometime the previous week. (see if I had gotten the ultrasound on the first visit, it would have been ok and then I would have gone on for several weeks without knowing) Actually I would have known. I sort of did know. It’s hard to explain. I guess women just know these things. But at some point last week, something changed. I don’t know what it was or what caused it, but I all of a sudden didn’t feel pregnant anymore. It just sort of went away. And that’s what happened.
So on Friday the doctor told me I could wait 2-3 weeks for it to pass on it’s own or I could schedule a D&C for early next week. The thought of waiting 2-3 weeks for something horrible like that to just happen sounded agonizing so I told him I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. He said as soon as possible would be Tuesday morning. Still 5 days away.
I was scared about the procedure, about the pain involved mainly. The doctor told me I would be asleep during it, but not completely. He said I would be breathing on my own and out of it enough to not really know what was going on. That sounded scary. I would much rather be completely out. I have woken up briefly during surgeries in the past and it isn’t fun.
As we were leaving the doctor’s office I got a call from a client that I sold a hella cool river view condo to last year telling me his contract with the FSBO people finally expired and he wanted me to list it now. Great timing! But I played it cool, because now I can really use the money. His only problem was a guy coming over on Sunday to look at it and he didn’t want him to have to pay commission if he bought it so he said he would call me back after that guy made up his mind.
I spent the weekend fearing the worst about the miscarriage. I was afraid I was going to start bleeding. If that were to happen it would be rough for me because I have (***over-share warning***) a tilted uterus. And most likely I would need the D&C anyway because of the tilt.
On Monday I was looking through some real estate stuff and found that the deadline for a magazine (that is a very big part of our marketing) was September 12. Tuesday. I hate to be a pushy salesperson. I REALLY hate that. But I felt like I should call him and tell him that we should take advantage of the advertising, or we would have to wait 2 months basically until the next issue. He agreed and Monday night – the night before my D&C – I went to his condo and wrote a contract. What a trooper I am. AND I went back to the office and made sure everything was right so that there would be no delay getting it in on Tuesday. I left there around 10pm. Worth it though. Think about it – I will make about $3,000 for this listing. That’s about 4 months of working in the freakin’ hair salon.
It was actually kind of fun. Who knows – I might get back into the real estate game. Or maybe not.
I had to be at the hospital at 8:15 Tuesday morning. My surgery was scheduled for 9:45. They took me right back to the pre-op room where I changed into their very attractive gown and got to be covered with warm blankets. Which is wonderful. Then the sticking began. For some reason (I guess because I take Metformin) they had to test my blood sugar with a finger prick. That hurts!! I don’t know how people with diabetes do that every day. Damn. Anyway, it came back 85. See. I told them I was not taking the Metformin for diabetes, but I guess they didn’t believe me.
Then the IV had to be inserted. This was only the 2nd time in my life that I have had an IV. I did not realize that the tube that goes into your vein is well over an inch long. Yikes. She put it in the vein that runs up the arm behind the thumb, so Thankfully it did not have to go in my hand. The nurse that did it was very good and didn’t hurt me, but she was messy. She got blood all over my hand, the blankets and the floor. Ick. She took 3 vials to be tested and wasted who knows how much. Anyway, I spent the next few hours being pumped full of saline.
Around 9am they brought Matthew back to sit with me. Nurses came back periodically to check on me and to tell me that the doctor was running late. Of course! My surgery was now scheduled for 10:45. Another hours worth of saline. And another trip to the bathroom, holding my gown closed and dragging the IV bag behind me.
Doctor P finally showed up around 10:50 and came over to talk to me. He really is a nice guy, he patted my leg and told me not to worry because he would take good care of me. The nurse came in and told me I needed a shot of Rh immune globulin since I am Rh negative and chances are the baby was Rh positive. She said it goes in the leg muscle but she would wait until I was out to give it to me.
Out? I thought I wasn’t going to be “out”? She said “Oh yes…you will be.”
Thank god!!!!!!
I asked if I could go to the bathroom one last time before we left and Doctor P said, “No don’t worry, we will take care of that”
Yikes. I don’t like the sound of that.
They rolled me back into the operating room, which is really quite fascinating. Surgery is a scary thing, but I am so interested in all aspects of it that it’s a fascinating process for me. With every door we went through, the temperature dropped at least 5 degrees until we reached the Arctic Zone known as the OR. It was very bright and white. There were 2 large spotlights on the ceiling and a table with a scary array of instruments. They rolled me over to the table and I had to move my self onto the operating table, being careful not to fall into the hole in the center of it.
The nurse asked where my favourite spot to vacation is. The first thing that popped into my head was Roatan. She asked where that was. (the usual follow up question) I said, “Honduras”. From behind me, the anesthesiologist said “Isn’t that dangerous?” I said, “No. We Scuba dive there. What’s that cold liquid running over my arm? It’s burning. Make it stop.” It seriously felt like the IV had been ripped out and cold stinging liquid was spilling everywhere. The nurse said, “It’s just the medicine don’t worry about it. Let’s think about Roatan and diving with the fish.” I said “Yeah the fish……..”
What is that fucking beeping sound? Damn it. The alarm? It can’t be time to get up already. Something smells funny. Cold around my nose. Stinks. Without thinking I reach up and pull it out. Maybe I should open my eyes. Oh yeah. The hospital. It must be over now. The nurse walks in and out while I’m trying to wake up. She finally says “Are you waking up? Do you want some water? Do you want me to get your husband?” Yes to everything.
I immediately could tell that there had been a tube down my throat. Breathing on my own eh Dr. P? I think not. I was out…..way out. They did a better job with the tube than on my previous surgery and later the nurse told me they had no problems with the tube at all. Went right in.
Matthew comes back with my water. My head is spinning but I’m trying very hard to wake up. I drank 2 cups of water and didn’t throw up. Good sign. Matthew asks why my oxygen tube is hanging out of my nose and he puts it back in. My head starts spinning more.
The nurse asks if I want some crackers. If I think I can hold them down. I said “Not with this oxygen”. She said we can take it out but if my oxygen drops it will have to go back in. She brought me graham crackers and peanut butter. And a coke with crushed ice. That all tasted like heaven. We kept watching my oxygen levels on the monitor and it stayed at 99 and 100 so things slowly stopped spinning and I woke up.
She said once I could stand up, walk to the bathroom and GO to the bathroom then I could go home. She said going to the bathroom was most important. After all the water and coke I didn’t think that would be a problem and didn’t understand what the big deal was. So off I went. It burned. It burned like the worst UTI in history. When I opened the door she said “Ok..you can go home now.” I said “How do you know” And she said “I heard you moan.” Oh. I didn’t realize I did that loudly. She said “Due to the catheter, it will burn the first few times you go. But it shouldn’t last long.”
The what? Oh the horror. That’s a first for me. Ick.
We didn’t go straight home from the hospital. We had to go to the real estate commission office and buy a lock box and then go down to the condo, put the sign in the yard and hang the lock box. Fortunately, Matthew did all that for me while I sat in the car.
When we got home, Matthew made me some soup and more peanut butter crackers and then I slept for about an hour while he ran some errands.
When he got home, he said “I thought about buying you flowers or a stuffed animal or something to make you feel better, but I thought you would like this more than anything.”
The Office Season 2 on DVD.
What would I do without him?
