Nobody told me there'd be days like these

Matthew is home and that makes me feel Tons better. But things are not 100%.

My mom and I got into a huge argument over caring for my grandmother. I told her I could not do it anymore. Maybe I am not as strong of a person as she is. Maybe I don't have the same feelings of obligation. I don't know what it is, but I can't do it.

Matthew said it is probably that I feel like I am not in control of my life anymore. Which is true. Especially with my mom not having her car. OH - I forgot to mention that last time. She got hit by a snowplow truck while we were in NYC. The car has been in the shop for a month. They give it back to her last Friday and it looks beautiful. Better than before the wreck! BUT - the transmission is still messed up!! It changes gears very hard, especially driving at slow speeds, which she does. So back in the shop it went the same day she got it out. We are hoping now it will be fixed tomorrow. What really pisses me off about that is the guys at the garage knew the transmission was messed up and gave it back to her anyway.

At work Saturday afternoon I was telling my co-worker Erica about my grandma and also about my god-mother Mary who has had Alzheimer's since 1995. Mary has been in a nursing home since then because her Alzheimer's progressed very quickly. In the middle of my story about Mary, the phone rings. It's Matthew, telling me that Mary died earlier that afternoon. She was 83.

Strange days indeed...

I was shocked and upset, but really I accepted her "death" years ago. To me, Mary died in 1995. When I went to visit her in the nursing home and she had no idea who I was, or who my mother was......that was not Mary. She had no idea who we were, but the only picture in her room was a framed picture of Matthew and I. I must admit we did not visit her often. I feel guilty about that, but she had no idea and all it did was upset us. I left each time in tears. I kept waiting for her to just snap back to reality and say my name. That never happened.

So, we are going to her mass tomorrow morning at 10:30am. At St. Agnes Church - the same church she used to take me too every Sunday when I was little. In fact, probably the last time I was in that church was with her about 25 years ago.

She was very good to me. She was like my second mother. She was a great and huge part of my childhood and much of my adult life. But yet, I have not seen or talked to her in SO long I don't quite know how to react to all of this. It is like she has already been gone for a long time. This is very difficult to express. I don't want to seem cold, like I am not upset and have not cried. But I cried years ago when she looked at me and did not know who I was. I was the closest thing to a daughter she ever had and yet she looked at me with blank eyes. She was lost to me forever then.

She was a very devout Catholic who believed in heaven and hell and everything in between. So I hope if there is such a place as heaven, that she is there and that she is happy. I hope that she has her mind and all of her memories back and maybe she will look down on me now and remember who I am as the tears begin to flow down my cheeks.

A mess

I think I get depressed when Matthew is gone. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I can think of no reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Taking care of my grandmother is also getting to me. Some things I am going to write are probably going to sound very selfish and mean. But maybe that's just who I am. I am too young to have to deal with this. I know I am in my mid 30s, but my god - I should be living my own life. I cannot provide 24 hour care for an Alzheimers patient. I can't and I won't. Maybe I am too particular about my house and the cleaniness thereof, but it's my house and I can keep it as clean as I want. Maybe I have no patience for an adult who wets their pants and leaves shitty diapers on the bathroom floor. No patience for someone who is eating lunch at my dining room table and reaches for chips out of a bowl and drags her sleeve through the sauce on her plate and the sauce then gets all over her pants and the table and the floor. When she is here I am constantly spraying Febreeze and Lysol on the furniture. Old people have a tendency to smell and I can't stand it. Must be the diapers...even when they are "clean" they still smell. My mother has GOT to come to the realisation that this cannot continue. She cannot provide the care alone, my aunt has stopped helping her and I am about to. I can't do it!!! I can't live like this. It would be different even if these were pleasant people. But they are not. I don't think in my whole life have I ever seen my grandmother smile. Never. My mother is the same. And my mother is so full of negativity, it rubs off on my grandmother. Most of the time she just sits here and stares. She doesn't watch TV. Nothing. In the mornings she will start hollering for my mother. Then she'll say "Should I get up?" "Should I get dressed?" YES...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. So....I told my mother we are going to get a twin size bed and put it in her god damn living room (her spare bedroom is her cat's bathroom....nobody can sleep in there) so that Mimi can stay with her a few days and then they can go back to Mimi's house for a few days. My mother agreed but of course got angry with me and tries to guilt me into helping her. But I know that for everybody's own good, I have to refuse. My grandmother deserves better. Some people might think that a nursing home is not a better option, but really it is. There are people there to take care of her, they have activities to keep their minds occupied. She is around other people and not just my mother 24/7.

I need some friends. For 2 weeks I have been wanting to go to Don Pablos cheap Fajita night on Wednesdays. None of the lameass friends I have here will go. Nobody ever wants to do anything. Forget it. I need Matthew here. When he is here with me I am fine. But he is going to be gone for a long time in Feb and Mar. What will I do? Lose my fucking mind I'm sure.

Enough for now.

M&Ms and other assorted goodies

So let's see....I travel all the way to New York to go to Dylan's Candy Bar to buy some $10 a pound black, white and silver M&Ms that look oh so hip and cool in the candy dispenser I got for Christmas. Then I come home and see that you can buy bags of black and white M&Ms for about $2. At least I have silver ones. It is probably also cheaper to order the coloured ones from the M&Ms webpage, but going to Dylan's is just so damn cool.

Our deadbeat tenants finally paid all the back rent and late fees 2 days before Thanksgiving. Since we were able to cover the mortgage payment ourselves without going into our savings account, that was like receiving an "extra" $3500. Yippee. It paid for the trip to NY and some Christmas presents. So far everything is good. They have paid their January rent and promise that everything will be good from here on out. Let's hope.

Matthew is in OKC until Jan 16. That bites.

But we are sooooo excited about our upcoming ski trip Feb 3-10. We are going to Salt Lake City and Jackson Hole. I am so happy we are in a position to do these things and Bruce Schobel did not take everything away from me. He took enough to make my life miserable, but I can't just lay here and die. I have to do things that make me happy.

We have a new member of the family. Ceilidh the kitty. So far her and the Bij are doing ok together. Bijoux is a little more aggressive when it comes to playing than Ceilidh likes, but when she has enough she just goes and hides under the bed. Bijoux is lucky that she is such a mild mannered kitty and puts up with all the unnecessary roughness. Otherwise Bijoux would be one scratched up and bloody poodle.

That's enough for now. It's about damn time I wrote in here eh??