A mess

I think I get depressed when Matthew is gone. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I can think of no reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Taking care of my grandmother is also getting to me. Some things I am going to write are probably going to sound very selfish and mean. But maybe that's just who I am. I am too young to have to deal with this. I know I am in my mid 30s, but my god - I should be living my own life. I cannot provide 24 hour care for an Alzheimers patient. I can't and I won't. Maybe I am too particular about my house and the cleaniness thereof, but it's my house and I can keep it as clean as I want. Maybe I have no patience for an adult who wets their pants and leaves shitty diapers on the bathroom floor. No patience for someone who is eating lunch at my dining room table and reaches for chips out of a bowl and drags her sleeve through the sauce on her plate and the sauce then gets all over her pants and the table and the floor. When she is here I am constantly spraying Febreeze and Lysol on the furniture. Old people have a tendency to smell and I can't stand it. Must be the diapers...even when they are "clean" they still smell. My mother has GOT to come to the realisation that this cannot continue. She cannot provide the care alone, my aunt has stopped helping her and I am about to. I can't do it!!! I can't live like this. It would be different even if these were pleasant people. But they are not. I don't think in my whole life have I ever seen my grandmother smile. Never. My mother is the same. And my mother is so full of negativity, it rubs off on my grandmother. Most of the time she just sits here and stares. She doesn't watch TV. Nothing. In the mornings she will start hollering for my mother. Then she'll say "Should I get up?" "Should I get dressed?" YES...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. So....I told my mother we are going to get a twin size bed and put it in her god damn living room (her spare bedroom is her cat's bathroom....nobody can sleep in there) so that Mimi can stay with her a few days and then they can go back to Mimi's house for a few days. My mother agreed but of course got angry with me and tries to guilt me into helping her. But I know that for everybody's own good, I have to refuse. My grandmother deserves better. Some people might think that a nursing home is not a better option, but really it is. There are people there to take care of her, they have activities to keep their minds occupied. She is around other people and not just my mother 24/7.

I need some friends. For 2 weeks I have been wanting to go to Don Pablos cheap Fajita night on Wednesdays. None of the lameass friends I have here will go. Nobody ever wants to do anything. Forget it. I need Matthew here. When he is here with me I am fine. But he is going to be gone for a long time in Feb and Mar. What will I do? Lose my fucking mind I'm sure.

Enough for now.